whistling in the dark

finals week. two down, four to go.

the past two days I've been studying in groups, which is not something I've done a lot of this semester, and eating on the strip of this college town, again not a common occurrence. I've been avoiding that pile of laundry in the hallway that threatens to eat me (and the kid's bike parked nearby) and the pile of dishes in the sink that have been there for 9 days now and the stack of bills that are all coming due NOW of all times. I was very smart and paid most of my monthly bills in one fell swoop with my fin aid dispersement in January, so it's a little stressful to think about paying bills again in the middle of finals week.

I'm comforting myself with small containers of granola and macadamia nuts in my bookbag, bottles of Smart Water that make me smile during tests (I love that cute little fish inside the label), and recalculating the lowest grade I can make on the exam and still pull a B in the class. I'm fantasizing about arranging the furniture in my new apartment, watching an episode or two of Firefly every night, and feeling generally good.

I'm also enjoying conversations about a utopian nursing school with scheduled yoga in the AM (though there is some debate about how early we'd have to get up for that), herbal tea and fresh fruit served throughout the day, exercise and meditation between classes, classes on nutrition that include information about the risks of irradiated food (instead of talking about how good it is that they never go bad!) and real conversations about health disparities that could include the occasional expletive when I get really wound up. ("It's called institutional racism, motherfuckers! How 'bout we look at the reasons that we NEED Head Start and early intervention programs, instead of just thinking of how to get those poor folks to live up to the affluent White standard?")

I'm also considering making that appt with counseling and wellness for the wellbutrin script - i'd really like to begin clinicals without reeking or tweaking for a cigarette.

and i'm reading Head Nurse as if we talking at the local coffeehouse. In my head, she looks like my favorite TA from skills lab, the one that congratulated me for my mastery of the skills while failing me for not putting on gloves during G-tube feeding (did i tell about this already? I actually said aloud that I didn't need gloves because I wasn't touching skin and wouldn't be touching the Ensure! Um, Gastric Secretions, anyone?). We talk like peers because of our similar age, even though she's a Benner Expert and I'm a Benner Novice. I try not to pedestal-ize her, but I have such deep admiration and excitement, because we seem to have such similar outlooks on the profession. I wonder if that means I can be as cool of a nurse as she is, and I bet she'd say No, but you will be your own kind of cool nurse.

Time for nutrition. serum albumin levels: 3.5-5.0=normal, between 3.5 and 2.8 = compromised, >2.8=risk for kwashikorikoricketberiberi. wait, wait, that's not it.

I think I'm going to go lay in the sun and warm up - the instructor from this morning's exam turned the air to 64 and I'm experiencing cyanosis.