Why, thank you, I'd be honored!

I am so excited! One of my top two picks for faculty advisors said yes to working with me for an Honors project! Full speed ahead! Here's the proposal:


I am interested in looking at the cultural competency of BSN students. The rationale for increasing cultural competency among nurses is obvious (but would be fully outlined in my final paper of course), but the logistics of doing so is much more complicated. We tend to leave the concept of cultural competency in the abstract, and never truly integrate it into practice. I've heard nurses ask patients, "Are there any cultural practices or beliefs that we should be aware of?", and I cringe because most of us aren't aware of our own practices and beliefs because they are so integral. It's a little like asking a patient if they are experiencing lupus - it's not a very answer-able question.
Using the nursing process, it seems smart to assess the level of competency that students have in issues of diversity awareness, personal values, etc as they begin nursing school, before interventions are planned for increasing that competency. As I've been researching the topic in order to write a resolution for ANS, I have found a tool (Josepha Campinha-Bacote's IAPCC-SV) that measures the level of cultural competence among healthcare professional students. One of the focuses of Campinha-Bacote's research is cultural desire, or the motivation to learn about culture and interact with awareness. I am particularly interested in trying to get a sense of the readiness to learn among the BSN population with regards to issues of culture, diversity, tolerance, acceptance, awareness.

So the research question I'm considering is: What is the level of cultural competence among BSN students at this school of nursing?

what're we here for again?

Last night at 130am, I was very busily filling in my week's schedule, and looking for the chunks of time to get groceries, write up the scripts for the Nursing Student Outreach project, and buy puzzles for our upcoming SNA conference. I realized that I had yet to find the chunks of time before class on Thurs that I could skim the material.

I get very attached and almost proud of how full my schedule is. It becomes a challenge to see how many activities I can cram into one day - tomorrow, I'll be in seven different places to meet people! What do I win?!

What's so funny to me is that the classes, the school, well they're the reason for all this hubbub, the very stage where the drama is happening! And yet, my focus is so often NOT on the classes. I'm very attentive during class itself- and I'm an excellent studier the week before the exam. But day-to-day, keeping a focus on the coursework? Blah.

Part of this happened during my transfer from bare bones community college to big-time, fancy-pants university. I want to get my financial aid worth! A lecture and panel on incarcerated women? I'm there! Meet a couple folks about an LGBT movie night? Absolutely! (by the way, I'm gearing up to ask the powers that be to host a gay movie screening and discussion - wish me luck!) Print off that stuff on 100 Projects for Peace, with the application that's due today for $10K of funding when you have a tiny idea of something involving kids and Quakers and art... sure, why not.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the feline tumbleweeds are taking over again. I'm currently debating between allocated $50 to an air filter that would suck the cat fur out of the air, possibly, or vacuuming more often, which would reduce the total mass of fur, but would stir it up that much more.

Off to bed, with four Advil for the sore new-filling-tooth (my first in 21 years!) and the hopes that I don't kink myself all up again in my sleep after that yoga class.

night.

the next week-ana-haf

It's not going to be pretty folks. Not pretty at all.

First off, tis the season to begin calculating what I'll have to get on my finals to maintain or improve my current grade in each course. And then, because there's still time left in the "fart around" block on my calendar, I can calculate exactly how far the 5 credit hours of a B in Peds is going to sink my GPA and if there's a way to recover. Since there's approximately 42.5* hours total left in my schedule for studying, and my other exam grades this semester have been 98, 85, and 84, it seems unlikely that I will score the 99% that I need on the final to make the cursed 92=A**. sigh.

today is a bust - but I did get the presentation for Thursday's genomics class done, and have about another hour or two to spend on my clinical worksheet for tomorrow, and then I'm taking my movie back to Blockbuster and getting something dumb like Fred Claus.

Wednesday 11-28 - up at 5:20a, leave home by 5:55a with lunch and hard boiled egg breakfast, drive thru coffee kiosk by 6:13a, park and ride lot by 6:22a, hospital by 6:42a, conference room with oatmeal ready for report by 6:46a. Twelve hours of 14 yo with idiopathic scoliosis s/p spinal fusion due to 41 degree curvature, logrolling q 2hr, monitoring morphine PCA and IVF, possibly d/c a foley and hopefully think of something to keep him from being bored out of his skull. I wonder if he plays chess? Catch the bus by 19:08, park and ride by 19:22, home by 19:51, feed cats, shower, eat something that doesn't require me to wash the dishes, make tea, finish worksheet, email genomics ppt to prof, trade out the laundry, scoop cat shit and collapse in bed by 23:28.

Thursday 11-29 - alarm at 6:12a, snooze til 6:32, leave house at 6:55, park at elementary school and feel slightly guilty for not saying good morning to child by 7:15, coffee from library coffeeshop at 7:38, sneak into lecture hall past man who yells about food and drinks by 7:51, Peds from 0800 to 1100, Genomics from 1100 to 1200. Get food from bookstore, take bus to elementary school, work on missed assignment from week before last in Research in school multipurpose room til 1330. Collect reading buddy, read Bear About Town and A Color of His Own, return buddy, collect new buddy, repeat. Return to MP room at 1430, refocus on Research assignment and lament the lack of reading completed for this class all semester. At 17:45, present self at Music Room for assistance with the Herding of the Parade of Children for the Multicultural Gala, in which child will be singing "Hello to All the Children of the World!" and cheesing it up as usual. Stay as short a time as possible, corner ex-husband to review end of semeter schedule, demanding a commitment for child care during next Saturday's scheduled final exam in Research, and dash home. Repeat Wednesday's evening activities at home, without the genomics email and with the added joy of supervising ready-for-bed activities of child.

Friday 11-30 - alarm, snooze, park at elementary school all as per Thursday's schedule. Present self at the library at 07:25 to work a shift at the Book Fair, collecting quarters for pencils and imprinting credit cards slips in an old ca-chunka credit card thing. Bus to campus, coffee from bookstore, lecture hall by 08:58 at which point all the good spots will be taken and I'll have to climb over five rolling bookbags and six laptop cords. Psych lecture from 0900 to 1100, and ATI test from 1100 to 1200 to heighten my anxiety about finals and my Lack of Mastery of the Material. Lunch with friends that I haven't seen in two weeks because of conference and then the holiday. Research at 1300, for which I will realize that I haven't prepared at 12:47. Prof will read her ppt, break us into small groups and then release us an hour before class is scheduled to end. Buy a 20oz Coke, and go to library for 1hr 15min to print out everything I can think of to use up my printing allowance for the semester. Bus to elementary school. Collect child from after school program, who will not want to be collected, and who has likely forgotten one of the following items: lunchbox, jacket, Gator Communicator, water bottle. Go to Food Lion for veggie chick'n nuggets, juice, bread, milk. Home. Cats. Dinner. Bed for kid. Write agenda for committee mtgs tomorrow, and reports for my position for November, and goals for the year for meeting tomorrow. Wish there was wine in the house. Bed for me.

Saturday 12-1 - Plan to get up at 0700 and study for an hour, then at 0800 to go to farmer's market for eggs from the Happy Chicken guy. Sleep in, and wake kid up to go to whole foods with friends around 0945. Wake up friends. Go to Bank and deposit amazing Merry Christmas check from Generous Aunt which will make it possible to avoid working any shifts at the restaurant during finals week. Mentally thank Generous Aunt again. Sit around drinking coffee and eating overpriced underdone scrambled eggs for an hour. Leave child with friends, remember that I forgot my scrub top at home for group picture and go get it. Drive to nearby city for board of directors meeting of state nursing student association - struggle to find parking and arrive at bldg 12 minutes late. Meet until 2pm, avoid snapping at abrasive board members, and find a way to discuss grammatical errors without offending. Pick up kid, chat with friends, offer to take her child to park with us, go to park, knit while kids run. Drop off kid, offer to spend some of Generous Aunt's money on dinner for the four of us. Eat a lot of delicious breakfast food. Go home. Glare at the cats, their shit and the still-unwashed dishes. Also, on Saturday, I have 2hours worth of work to do on my clinical presentation due next Wednesday, which includes a 2page paper, 2 articles and a handout for my classmates on my interesting case study. Do this and then spend half an hour shopping for vibrators and dildos.

Sunday 12-2 - shit. I have no idea. schedule reads Peds from 09:00 to 12:00, county library with kid from 12:00 to 14:00, childrens museum from 14:00 to 16:00, grocery store from 16:00 to 17:00, dishes then dinner then dishes again from 17:00 to 19:00. There's a note that a chorus meeting is from 13:00 to 15:00 at the Friends Meeting House, but I don't know if I'm going. At some point, kids' father is sposed to pick him up for a roller derby match, but idk when. schedule also notes more Peds study time from 1900 to 2200, but that is unlikely. More likely that I will be on the computer until 0100, paying my bils with Generous Aunt's money and deciding on yarn for that afghan I'd like to start over break.

Monday - 12-3 get up at 06:18, leave house with kid (and whichever of the four essential items that made it home on Friday) and hardboiled Happy Chicken eggs and go cups of juice by 07:08 to be able to park at elementary school by 07:38, get kid inside before 07:40 bell. Buy the kid's stocking stuffers (with G.A.'s money of course) from the Book Fair. Collect reading buddy at 08:00, read for 20 min, collect another buddy, read, and then walk to bus stop for bus to campus. Coffee from coffeeshop, up to favorite nesting spot, plan to spend nine straight hours studying Peds and Psych. Fuck Genomics and Research. The finals are worth 40% in those classes? Oh. Spend an hour obsessing about grades in all four classes and filling in next semester's academic calendar. Spend another 30 minutes getting a latte, toasting a bagel and checking email. Wish that I still smoked and could take a smoke break. Force myself to go back to nest and sit down for another 3 hours. Take last bus to park and ride lot, forget that car is at the elementary school, take bus back to campus and then back to elementary school. Get home by 23:00. Glare at cats and their shit. Feed them, then go to bed.

Tuesday 12-4 - this morning is going to be hard. I don't have anything *scheduled* until 10:30 (which is my first dentist appt in SEVEN YEARS, and I'm a little Anxious About It) and it will be tempting to sleep in. I would like to get up at 0700, shower, make coffee and quick breakfast, then sit down to look at Peds for two hours before going to the dentists. After dentist, park and ride, campus, read Research in hospital lobby. At 15:00, go up to unit and get patient assignment for Wednesday, research chart for two hours for clinical worksheet. bus to park and ride, car to elementary school. home, cats, dinner, dishes, chess, kid = bed. clinical worksheet, set five alarms, self = bed. Remember to email clinical group my presentation and print multiple copies of handout and articles.

Wednesday 12-5 Okay, this morning will be harder than Tuesday's! The kid has to be at his father's workplace at 06:15 for me to have time to drive to parking deck and be ready for report at 06:48. I don't even want to think about when we have to get up. clinical until 19:00, parking deck, whole food buffet which had damn well better include some macaroni and cheese, home, cats, shower, type up clinical worksheet from a day's worth of scribbled notes. wait to email it until Thursday to allow for one more editing opportunity - I need every point I can get on these worksheets for that mythical 92! tea, email, check for an episode of house, fall asleep during it.

Thursday 12-6 I would like to get up at 07:00, be at the library at 07:45, get coffee and a study room, and spend all day on Peds, with short study breaks of Psych and Research thrown in. Maybe meet with study partners from last two semesters, but I'm feeling like it's a bad idea to study with them for the first time this semester the day before the final. I really hope that next semester will allow for some more regular study times when we're all on campus. This semester, it's been scattered all over for clinicals M T W, and in class from 8-4 Th and F. Rescheduled Reading Buddies to another time, maybe Monday morning. Eat a good dinner, take a bath, lay out my clothes, and set five alarms before I get my 8 hours of sleep.

Friday 12-7 Peds final exam 09:00 to 12:00 Get to campus early enough to get coffee and a bottle of water. Sharpen pencils. Layer clothing. Read each question three times, underline key phrases, circle any negatives, check each answer backwards - does the answer make perfect with the question? I will plan to be there until noon. I will not dash out of the room to be the first one done because I'm nervous. I will also spend 5 hours on Research Friday afternoon, and repeat the whole Twas the Night Before a Final routine Friday night.

Saturday - 12-8 Research final 09:00 to 12:00. I am too exhausted to even think about this.

Sunday - 12-9 Write Genomics paper on asking my family about their medical history over the holiday

Monday 12-10 Psych Final 09:00 to 12:00 Write Genomics paper on Case Study Project. Read all Genomics powerpoint slides

Tuesday 12-11 Genomics Final 09:00 to 12:00 Collapse into small quivering pile.

Wednesday 12-13 I've decided that this would be a good day to donate platelets. I don't know WHY I decided this. I've also scheduled myself to work a lunch shift on this day. I think I'll keep the platelet appt and release the shift - I deserve a day on the couch with a season of Scrubs, a big bag of Grandma Utz's potato chips, some sour cream dip and a two liter of coke. mmmm.



* Oops, make that 41.5. I just spent 30 minutes catching up on Google Reader and I'll spend at least 20 constructing ridiculously long sentences here.
**It's not even a real 7 point scale. 100-92 = 8. Dammit! It's annoying enough to make 92 the lowest A, but don't call it a 7 point scale if you do so!

Condition is stablilizing

I have plans for t-day break. Big plans.
I'll be in the car for 12 hours total with my stepfather, who wants to always be the driver, and my mother, who doesn't like music in the car, and my son, who has been a little surly, and my own head, which is spinning at usual nauseating speed.

I'll be spending 12 hours a day assessing or avoiding the assessment of my grandparents, who don't want to be assessed, thank you, but who each want me to assess the other!

I'll be off to the county library if the dang place is open, to use the free wifi and try to get the paperwork sorted through from the national convention (fun, revolving restaurant, iceskating, focus sessions good, met the president of the american holistic nurses association, sad about the lack of cohesiveness on my state's board). I'll work on a day in the life post, and I'll do some research about whether I'm willing/able to write a resolution for the NSNA convention in March. i'm also going to work on a FAQ for poor folks who go to national conventions, and sketch out an article on nursing blogs before ANA gets all in my business with their nursespace.org stuff...

I'll be playing chess with the kid, writing stories with the kid and then passing the kid a Captain Underpants and Super Diaper Baby book and taking a nap on the blessed baby duck-upholstered couch.

I unfortunately will not be working any shifts and trying to get out of this gaping financial maw which is the end of the semester. I will, however, be eating my grandparent's food. I will pay the low low price of wearing a nice sweater to t-day dinner for this privlege.

But did I mention the drive yet? it's the part I dread the most, though it's not going to be as bad as all that. Every time we set out, I think, this will be the trip that I buck up and say that I'm ready to take over driving, so that he can choose either passive or aggressive once and for all. Maybe I'll just do the first leg of it this year, and get all Cesar Milan about it. Shht!

I tell ya one thing - I am pretty damn tired of everything that's coming up for me being something that's playing out in the kid's life now! I am feeling like a giant projection screen, just showing him how to become a steaming bowl of crazy of his own! had a relatively good follow up conference with his teacher today - but I leave there feeling a little slimy, like it's going to take a few hours of steady thinking and writing to get clear about what I think about what she said. too much work, people!

speaking of crazy, it's ridiculous to whine about being tired and looking tired, but staying up. I turned off the alarm this morning, and we slept in til 8:45am because he didn't go to sleep til 10pm and I didn't turn off Scrubs til 2:20am. so. good night.

dude. so much to say.

worked all weekend last weekend. skipped class this morning because I stayed up all night watching a disk of House. had a mini-crisis (almost entirely self-created) last week because I hadn't done an assignment that was worth 50 points of a 1000 point class average. At the same time, it was a 6-8 page care plan for a stroke patient - you know, integral skills to have for the field! The stuff that I'll be doing non-stop from here on out in nursing school! eep. Eighteen mini-panic attacks later, I turned it in, not even late, and complete with all five journal articles, cited in APA format. This time the payoff for resolving the drama that I created wasn't so good, didn't really feel worth it. fuckit.

Finally went to Campus Health to put my cloudy, smelly urine in a cup and find out if it's a uti without the pain and burning (i've been symptomatic for about a year now, and have only recently had health insurance and easy access to a clinic to see someone. Can we say functional limitations in healthcare?) Starting cipro today and I even managed to advocate for a follow-up urine sample to be ordered to ease my mind that it is resolved with the drugs.

Signed a lease on a passive solar apartment yesterday - wow oh wow it is cool! big windows, brick floors, W/D, and no pet rent. exactly what I wanted, although not on the side of town I was hoping for.
May is looking a little crazy-making - finals the first week, a much belated birthday party for the kid the second week. The semester starts (with my first clinical rotation!!!) and later that afternoon, I'm leaving for a four day retreat in the mountains in the third week, and then I'll get to pack and move before June 1. sigh. I really don't understand how I've been able to pay a security deposit before the summer fin aid dispersement.

found out this weekend that one of the cool kids from work is going to join the Army for six years. I teared up, and then handed him my address like I was in the third grade and had just found out my family was moving to Georgia. I was embarrassed, and sent this email today. Still a little embarrassing, but it feels resolved now.
Hey R!
I saw you on campus the other day, and realized I could look up your email through the campus directory. I wanted to apologize for throwing a little tantrum the other night. It was such a shock to realize that I wouldn't see you again at work (and since that's the only place I see you of course, then it's not likely that we'll meet again). I was a little surprised at how upset I was, and didn't really know what to say (or what was appropriate to share without being creepy and weird, you know?).
It's odd to think about the loss of a close acquaintance - you are someone that I'm always happy to see, and who I really enjoy talking with. I like the way that you are sarcastic, but not often nasty (probably since I think that I tip that balance too often toward just being rude, as opposed to funny or clever). You manage irony without being an asshole - which is a rare gift, it seems. I think that you're crazy smart and genuinely a sweet person. You remind me of my kid in a way (and I know that's weird to say - and possibly to hear) and that's most of the reason that I was upset to hear you are going into the Army. I don't know anyone personally who is serving in the military right now - and so I'm privileged to be (sarcastically) academic and removed from the whole situation.
My dad was in the Marines, mostly before I was born, and I know that it was important to him to enlist, and to serve his time. I also know that he was a unspeakably different person after having served than he would have been without the experience of service in Vietnam, and I usually think of the loss of innocence, the gain of the burden of seeing horrible things. I don't really have a concept of the other more positive pieces that he spoke about regarding his service - the discipline, the feeling of being a part of something that made a difference, the actual 'service' part of serving the country. I had this irrational hope that time could be just frozen, that we could just talk when I happen to work with you, and talk about how ridiculous the world (and the restaurant) is... The thought of you being at the whim of the nutbags running this country's military takes my breath away, truly. At the same time, I want to say that I support your decision, since I know that you've thought it through carefully, and I feel like you have the strength to handle the experience. Other than having a kid, I've never done something like this that so immediately and profoundly affects my life.
I would be proud if my son grew up to be like you.
I wish you all the best. I'd be happy if we kept in touch - it would be good to know how you are doing.

with love, kati

Yep, it's officially reiterated - I'm a geek.

hmmph.

so. still awake. now, instead of blaming the quart of coffee I had today, I'm staying up to keep an ear out on the kid. (he is breathing much more regularly and quietly now. regular is good but quiet is not, since it makes it harder to know if it's regular, for fuck's sake.)

the mania i was whining about a week or so ago - thinking I was signing up for too many things, setting myself up to fail, stretching myself thin, the cliches are endless and all boring - well, it looks different to me now. Calling it mania seemed histrionic, even at the time.

there was a whiff of inauthenticity about it. even in my own head. i'm not really scared that i'm going to sign up for too many things and not be able to do them. that's possible. fine. that's even happened before. cool. i'm scared that I will say out loud in a crowd of some sort - I can do this thing! and screrch the music stops and everyone looks and waits for me to do the thing. well.

this is true of any role I have ever taken on or currently hold. mother, student, queer person, writer, smart person, sarcastic bitch, teenager, spiritual woman, aware to the immensity of the horror and the beauty of the world. i sense that there's a right way to do that, to be that, and the fear and the judgment starts immediately that i'm not doing it well.

and the moment that the music stops is the moment that i lose the connection with the present moment. you know, like literally, i'm bopping along to the music, really feeling it, and rip - gone. bereft. The Void.

So, I think that I was calling the lack of presence, the lack of attention, being in the costume but not in the moment, going along acting like my heart isn't broken open, trying to say that I can't do but so much, trying to call out of work in advance of even being scheduled the shift - calling that mania. because it feels all fast and scary, like i've done a thing that is too much, said a thing that can't be unsaid, actually articulated a desire or some shit like that.

and my last web-based expedition this evening led me to inga's site. and this excerpt from her book, which really synthesizes a lot of what i've been reading, thinking, hearing , singing and seeing lately:

An acquaintance and I were talking about this just the other day. He was telling me that he hunkers down into his daily life scheme of things because he cannot deal with all the horror in this world. I told him that I cannot live like that. He thought I was full of shit. “You can’t take in all that stuff,” he insisted. “It will drive you insane.”

But I disagreed. I hear this sentiment often, in a variety of forms.

Your average pissed-off citizen in the U.S. is willing to fight for three or four “causes,” maybe, but the line’s gotta be drawn somewhere.

When you’re present in the world you don’t just see one or the other. The horror and beauty go hand in hand. Even as this environment breaks your heart, the world fuels, protects, instructs, inspires, guides, and gently humors you.

So things balance out.

The whole excerpt is worth the read. seriously. This is deeper, bigger and wider to me than 'we're all desensitized to the horror and destruction around us and it's perfectly normal to feel hopeless' idea that i have held for many years. I have thought many times that the reason I was all of a sudden feeling so overwhelmed, tired, full of despair, was that I was taking on too much that wasn't mine. that i would go insane if I tried. that it was good self-care not to take stuff in. (and i do believe deep in my heart that is good self-care not to take in the medical emergencies on Discovery Health and the random tragedies that the folks at work want to wring their hands about for entertainment. that's self-serving melodrama.)

this is a way to re-think the idea that i can't work on all the causes I want to because i'm so busy paying the bills or going to class or raising the kid. that feels like a cop-out and it is. If I'm truly present in paying the bills, going to class and raising the kid, I may not be able to show up at a committee meeting for some non-profit. But being fully present (in the world, not the environment, is the HUGE distinction that inga is making here) IS working on the causes/issues that are important to me.
it's true that I'm interested in more things than I'm passionate about, and sometimes i latch onto the interest, and subsequent lack of follow-thru, as a nice-n-sneaky way to say i'm not good enough. Add it to the list of things I haven't done adequately or haven't done at all. oh, me. i can take in that star that was twinkling directly at me last night. the world, not the environment.

i swear, next week, i won't have a single deep thought. i'll watch wallace and grommit all weekend and expunge all of the cathartic self-examination* from my communication, web-based or verbal. no no. i can't mean that. i can't start talking about how this is all because of my impending period, or whathaveyou. it IS true for me that I'm full of this stuff lately, and it IS true that that's embarrassing to say out loud, and it IS true that I'm honored when others are willing to say shit like this. perhaps it should be a little more internal dialog and a little less internet rambling in the wee hours of the morning. shrug. if this was livejournal, i'd throw it behind the cut so noone had to scroll thru it. and this is all very rough draft, stream of consciousness. (what isn't at 2am?)

it's important to talk about love and imagination and what it feels like when your heart breaks open. look away if you're embarrassed by it; that's what I always did when my mom embarrassed me.



* from rob brezny's free will astrology

Leo Horoscope for week of February 22, 2007

You're strong medicine these days, Leo. You're 100-proof mojo. You might want to consider pinning a warning label to your shirt or jacket. It could say something like "Caution: Contents are hot, slippery, and under pressure. Use at your own risk." It's not that you're evil or neurotic. It's just that as you revisit and revision your deepest psychosexual questions, you have so much cathartic potency that you're likely to transform everything you touch into a more authentic version of itself. People with weak egos will be afraid of that, while those with strong constitutions will love it.

three things I love about the internets this week

One - Cut a hole in the box. (Come on, you know this isn't work safe!)

Two - Put your junk in that box. (Gay Love Rocks My Sea Goat Testes)

Three - Make her open the box. (found at Bitch, Ph.D.)

Seriously, this computer (and more importantly, the wireless connection I seem to be able to find everywhere) have been blowing my mind lately. I racked up a huge bill on my DSL account - didn't pay the bill for months to teach those bastards at Verizon a lesson - and when I finally did pay the balance to get my interweb turned back on, they said thanks for the $286 but now you'll need a credit card to reinstate your account. I don't, of course, have a credit card. So, for about a year now, I've been on dial-up. Dial-up means no big downloads (so no Youtube), and a lot of instability connection-wise (so I avoid getting on the computer when I didn't have a lot of time to devote to babysitting whatever I was trying to do). It also meant, for me, no pdf documents, because every time I'd try to open one, Adobe would jump in and try to do a lot of fancy updates, and my poor computer would freeze right the fuck up. So. It's been a whole new world for this big girl lately. blogs, youtube, time wasting games, in the recliner, in the bed, in the library! Whee!

I've been feeling a little manic lately. It's a shift from feeling like I can't do anything, I have no time and less energy. And I like coming from a place of "sure, that sounds great. let me see if i can work it in!" rather than being so eeyore about the world. But I'm scared of a crash, honestly. I'm also wondering if I'm trying to tie together too many things that are interesting to me, but not nec. related. I'm trying to yoke social justice stuff (with that US Social Forum event this summer and with a drive to finally get involved in war stuff) with health education/parity/accessibility stuff. I'm looking at my ANS chapter and the state board of ANS for opportunities to get good shit on my resume and applications, wanting to stay active in my kid's school (so bring ANS functions to that population), but also remembering that for the most part the kid's school has a lot of well-meaning rich white folks to help out already, and so looking at the city I live in and how to work there (but avoid being a well-meaning white girl trying soothe my own guilt about sending my kid to the neighboring richer, whiter, "better" school district). I'm also looking ahead to my senior year and potential Honors projects, wanting to lay the groundwork and do something I'm actually passionate about, instead of just enough to get the yellow cords at graduation. Ay. And did i tell y'all about finding about the group that trains health care providers (they have contracts for local SONs, PA schools and MD schools) to provide pelvic and breast exams!?! It sounds like the perfect action opportunity for any woman who has seen the Vagina Monologues and hooted and cheered about the cold ducklips. Wow!

had fun in skills lab this morning - we slung each other around in the lifts. It was such a weird experience to be dangling in a fabric sling from a big purple machine.

test today in LifeSpan Development, which I'm assuming will be pretty much a gimme - helping my mom through a master's in psych in eighth grade and listening to her teach as an adjunct for the years since are a major advantage.

test tomorrow in Patho, which I feel less confident about, but I've done a great job of acting nonchalant about it for the bulk of the weekend. taking a nap, dragging letters around and watching The Facts of Life, Season One.

In other news, I have a $50 gift card to target and I have no idea what I'll spend it on! Jeans? Tennis shoes? A rolling bookbag? Hell, I've spent down my fin aid nest egg for this semester to the point that I may need it for groceries!

really here

So, I'm starting to feel like I'm in nursing school. I went to my second nursing student association meeting today, and beyond promising myself to expunge 'um' from my public speaking if I ever decide to run for an office in this organization, I was shocked to figure out that I've been here a month already!

I still have no clue what the prof in Fundamentals is talking about (nursing diagnoses all sound the same to me - and apparently there's some difference between 'as evidenced by neuromuscular weakness on left side' and 'related to inability to use left side of body', though it's certainly not obvious to me!), but the stuff she says is starting to sound familiar. I still don't get it, but I know she talks about it every class! I really feel like the first lecture in that class should be totally reworked - I didn't understand anything of what she said, and it was apparently really important, because I haven't understood her since then. Thankfully, I think I signed up to be on the advisory board for this class - maybe I can bring this up to her then. She is hands down one of my fav. profs!

My big news this week is that I passed my first skills eval - hand washing, sterile gloving, universal precautions with gown mask and gloves, and vital signs !!!! SHEW - what a relief to have that done and done well, according to the teaching assistant. There was a lot of contention among the students that didn't pass those skills the first time - they had to come back later this week and re-do specific skills - crazy stress and lots of folks felt like the variation of TA's was unfair. I don't know - it's not Scantron, and there are specific little checklists to follow... but I did see at least two instances of TA assholery that would have just done me in. Pa-Pow! Apoptosis! I felt lucky that the TA evaluating me was the TA who teaches my lab section - so easy. I think, though, that I will sign up for practice lab sections with some of the other, scarier TA's so that if I happen to get them in an eval, I won't freak out as badly.

My other big news is that I made an A a B+ on my first exam! It was more general than I was expecting, but it feels like I studied the right stuff and knew the kinds of things she asked. It was in Health Assessment, where we talk about what you expect to find in physical exams of patients, and what various findings might mean. We go from head to toe, and this class has a big evaluation at the end of the semester, where we do a head to toe assessment on someone (which apparently takes a couple hours!). We have labs to practice that examination, and this test was over the lecture portion of the class. this A makes me feel so confident that I'm doing what I should be to handle this material. I also have a little more confidence that I can handle this seven-point grading scale! A 92 is an A-, but it's still an A! (Right?!!! Isn't it!!????) oh well, maybe she'll throw out a question that I missed, like the one about what fungusy fingernails look like.

Nice to have two successes this week, since I've got two tests next week. Development, which will be nothin', and Patho, which is making more and more sense as I actually read the book.

So. my dishes are dirty, and my laundry is in mountains. But I'm happy, and feeling good. I'm eating well and remembering to bring my lunch to school most days. I went to the kid's school last week and taught his class to knit - wow! I'm still reading with a couple of kids at his school each week as a volunteer. I'm singing with a chorus led by a woman who used to teach music at the kid's preschool - she's super cool and full of quotes by Rumi and Hafiz about the present moment and releasing attachment to thought. And I'm going to a conference of officers of other Association of Student Nurses chapters this Saturday. The kid is good and super excited about his birthday next week! This birthday really seems like a departure from babyhood/toddlerhood.