the next week-ana-haf

It's not going to be pretty folks. Not pretty at all.

First off, tis the season to begin calculating what I'll have to get on my finals to maintain or improve my current grade in each course. And then, because there's still time left in the "fart around" block on my calendar, I can calculate exactly how far the 5 credit hours of a B in Peds is going to sink my GPA and if there's a way to recover. Since there's approximately 42.5* hours total left in my schedule for studying, and my other exam grades this semester have been 98, 85, and 84, it seems unlikely that I will score the 99% that I need on the final to make the cursed 92=A**. sigh.

today is a bust - but I did get the presentation for Thursday's genomics class done, and have about another hour or two to spend on my clinical worksheet for tomorrow, and then I'm taking my movie back to Blockbuster and getting something dumb like Fred Claus.

Wednesday 11-28 - up at 5:20a, leave home by 5:55a with lunch and hard boiled egg breakfast, drive thru coffee kiosk by 6:13a, park and ride lot by 6:22a, hospital by 6:42a, conference room with oatmeal ready for report by 6:46a. Twelve hours of 14 yo with idiopathic scoliosis s/p spinal fusion due to 41 degree curvature, logrolling q 2hr, monitoring morphine PCA and IVF, possibly d/c a foley and hopefully think of something to keep him from being bored out of his skull. I wonder if he plays chess? Catch the bus by 19:08, park and ride by 19:22, home by 19:51, feed cats, shower, eat something that doesn't require me to wash the dishes, make tea, finish worksheet, email genomics ppt to prof, trade out the laundry, scoop cat shit and collapse in bed by 23:28.

Thursday 11-29 - alarm at 6:12a, snooze til 6:32, leave house at 6:55, park at elementary school and feel slightly guilty for not saying good morning to child by 7:15, coffee from library coffeeshop at 7:38, sneak into lecture hall past man who yells about food and drinks by 7:51, Peds from 0800 to 1100, Genomics from 1100 to 1200. Get food from bookstore, take bus to elementary school, work on missed assignment from week before last in Research in school multipurpose room til 1330. Collect reading buddy, read Bear About Town and A Color of His Own, return buddy, collect new buddy, repeat. Return to MP room at 1430, refocus on Research assignment and lament the lack of reading completed for this class all semester. At 17:45, present self at Music Room for assistance with the Herding of the Parade of Children for the Multicultural Gala, in which child will be singing "Hello to All the Children of the World!" and cheesing it up as usual. Stay as short a time as possible, corner ex-husband to review end of semeter schedule, demanding a commitment for child care during next Saturday's scheduled final exam in Research, and dash home. Repeat Wednesday's evening activities at home, without the genomics email and with the added joy of supervising ready-for-bed activities of child.

Friday 11-30 - alarm, snooze, park at elementary school all as per Thursday's schedule. Present self at the library at 07:25 to work a shift at the Book Fair, collecting quarters for pencils and imprinting credit cards slips in an old ca-chunka credit card thing. Bus to campus, coffee from bookstore, lecture hall by 08:58 at which point all the good spots will be taken and I'll have to climb over five rolling bookbags and six laptop cords. Psych lecture from 0900 to 1100, and ATI test from 1100 to 1200 to heighten my anxiety about finals and my Lack of Mastery of the Material. Lunch with friends that I haven't seen in two weeks because of conference and then the holiday. Research at 1300, for which I will realize that I haven't prepared at 12:47. Prof will read her ppt, break us into small groups and then release us an hour before class is scheduled to end. Buy a 20oz Coke, and go to library for 1hr 15min to print out everything I can think of to use up my printing allowance for the semester. Bus to elementary school. Collect child from after school program, who will not want to be collected, and who has likely forgotten one of the following items: lunchbox, jacket, Gator Communicator, water bottle. Go to Food Lion for veggie chick'n nuggets, juice, bread, milk. Home. Cats. Dinner. Bed for kid. Write agenda for committee mtgs tomorrow, and reports for my position for November, and goals for the year for meeting tomorrow. Wish there was wine in the house. Bed for me.

Saturday 12-1 - Plan to get up at 0700 and study for an hour, then at 0800 to go to farmer's market for eggs from the Happy Chicken guy. Sleep in, and wake kid up to go to whole foods with friends around 0945. Wake up friends. Go to Bank and deposit amazing Merry Christmas check from Generous Aunt which will make it possible to avoid working any shifts at the restaurant during finals week. Mentally thank Generous Aunt again. Sit around drinking coffee and eating overpriced underdone scrambled eggs for an hour. Leave child with friends, remember that I forgot my scrub top at home for group picture and go get it. Drive to nearby city for board of directors meeting of state nursing student association - struggle to find parking and arrive at bldg 12 minutes late. Meet until 2pm, avoid snapping at abrasive board members, and find a way to discuss grammatical errors without offending. Pick up kid, chat with friends, offer to take her child to park with us, go to park, knit while kids run. Drop off kid, offer to spend some of Generous Aunt's money on dinner for the four of us. Eat a lot of delicious breakfast food. Go home. Glare at the cats, their shit and the still-unwashed dishes. Also, on Saturday, I have 2hours worth of work to do on my clinical presentation due next Wednesday, which includes a 2page paper, 2 articles and a handout for my classmates on my interesting case study. Do this and then spend half an hour shopping for vibrators and dildos.

Sunday 12-2 - shit. I have no idea. schedule reads Peds from 09:00 to 12:00, county library with kid from 12:00 to 14:00, childrens museum from 14:00 to 16:00, grocery store from 16:00 to 17:00, dishes then dinner then dishes again from 17:00 to 19:00. There's a note that a chorus meeting is from 13:00 to 15:00 at the Friends Meeting House, but I don't know if I'm going. At some point, kids' father is sposed to pick him up for a roller derby match, but idk when. schedule also notes more Peds study time from 1900 to 2200, but that is unlikely. More likely that I will be on the computer until 0100, paying my bils with Generous Aunt's money and deciding on yarn for that afghan I'd like to start over break.

Monday - 12-3 get up at 06:18, leave house with kid (and whichever of the four essential items that made it home on Friday) and hardboiled Happy Chicken eggs and go cups of juice by 07:08 to be able to park at elementary school by 07:38, get kid inside before 07:40 bell. Buy the kid's stocking stuffers (with G.A.'s money of course) from the Book Fair. Collect reading buddy at 08:00, read for 20 min, collect another buddy, read, and then walk to bus stop for bus to campus. Coffee from coffeeshop, up to favorite nesting spot, plan to spend nine straight hours studying Peds and Psych. Fuck Genomics and Research. The finals are worth 40% in those classes? Oh. Spend an hour obsessing about grades in all four classes and filling in next semester's academic calendar. Spend another 30 minutes getting a latte, toasting a bagel and checking email. Wish that I still smoked and could take a smoke break. Force myself to go back to nest and sit down for another 3 hours. Take last bus to park and ride lot, forget that car is at the elementary school, take bus back to campus and then back to elementary school. Get home by 23:00. Glare at cats and their shit. Feed them, then go to bed.

Tuesday 12-4 - this morning is going to be hard. I don't have anything *scheduled* until 10:30 (which is my first dentist appt in SEVEN YEARS, and I'm a little Anxious About It) and it will be tempting to sleep in. I would like to get up at 0700, shower, make coffee and quick breakfast, then sit down to look at Peds for two hours before going to the dentists. After dentist, park and ride, campus, read Research in hospital lobby. At 15:00, go up to unit and get patient assignment for Wednesday, research chart for two hours for clinical worksheet. bus to park and ride, car to elementary school. home, cats, dinner, dishes, chess, kid = bed. clinical worksheet, set five alarms, self = bed. Remember to email clinical group my presentation and print multiple copies of handout and articles.

Wednesday 12-5 Okay, this morning will be harder than Tuesday's! The kid has to be at his father's workplace at 06:15 for me to have time to drive to parking deck and be ready for report at 06:48. I don't even want to think about when we have to get up. clinical until 19:00, parking deck, whole food buffet which had damn well better include some macaroni and cheese, home, cats, shower, type up clinical worksheet from a day's worth of scribbled notes. wait to email it until Thursday to allow for one more editing opportunity - I need every point I can get on these worksheets for that mythical 92! tea, email, check for an episode of house, fall asleep during it.

Thursday 12-6 I would like to get up at 07:00, be at the library at 07:45, get coffee and a study room, and spend all day on Peds, with short study breaks of Psych and Research thrown in. Maybe meet with study partners from last two semesters, but I'm feeling like it's a bad idea to study with them for the first time this semester the day before the final. I really hope that next semester will allow for some more regular study times when we're all on campus. This semester, it's been scattered all over for clinicals M T W, and in class from 8-4 Th and F. Rescheduled Reading Buddies to another time, maybe Monday morning. Eat a good dinner, take a bath, lay out my clothes, and set five alarms before I get my 8 hours of sleep.

Friday 12-7 Peds final exam 09:00 to 12:00 Get to campus early enough to get coffee and a bottle of water. Sharpen pencils. Layer clothing. Read each question three times, underline key phrases, circle any negatives, check each answer backwards - does the answer make perfect with the question? I will plan to be there until noon. I will not dash out of the room to be the first one done because I'm nervous. I will also spend 5 hours on Research Friday afternoon, and repeat the whole Twas the Night Before a Final routine Friday night.

Saturday - 12-8 Research final 09:00 to 12:00. I am too exhausted to even think about this.

Sunday - 12-9 Write Genomics paper on asking my family about their medical history over the holiday

Monday 12-10 Psych Final 09:00 to 12:00 Write Genomics paper on Case Study Project. Read all Genomics powerpoint slides

Tuesday 12-11 Genomics Final 09:00 to 12:00 Collapse into small quivering pile.

Wednesday 12-13 I've decided that this would be a good day to donate platelets. I don't know WHY I decided this. I've also scheduled myself to work a lunch shift on this day. I think I'll keep the platelet appt and release the shift - I deserve a day on the couch with a season of Scrubs, a big bag of Grandma Utz's potato chips, some sour cream dip and a two liter of coke. mmmm.



* Oops, make that 41.5. I just spent 30 minutes catching up on Google Reader and I'll spend at least 20 constructing ridiculously long sentences here.
**It's not even a real 7 point scale. 100-92 = 8. Dammit! It's annoying enough to make 92 the lowest A, but don't call it a 7 point scale if you do so!

Condition is stablilizing

I have plans for t-day break. Big plans.
I'll be in the car for 12 hours total with my stepfather, who wants to always be the driver, and my mother, who doesn't like music in the car, and my son, who has been a little surly, and my own head, which is spinning at usual nauseating speed.

I'll be spending 12 hours a day assessing or avoiding the assessment of my grandparents, who don't want to be assessed, thank you, but who each want me to assess the other!

I'll be off to the county library if the dang place is open, to use the free wifi and try to get the paperwork sorted through from the national convention (fun, revolving restaurant, iceskating, focus sessions good, met the president of the american holistic nurses association, sad about the lack of cohesiveness on my state's board). I'll work on a day in the life post, and I'll do some research about whether I'm willing/able to write a resolution for the NSNA convention in March. i'm also going to work on a FAQ for poor folks who go to national conventions, and sketch out an article on nursing blogs before ANA gets all in my business with their nursespace.org stuff...

I'll be playing chess with the kid, writing stories with the kid and then passing the kid a Captain Underpants and Super Diaper Baby book and taking a nap on the blessed baby duck-upholstered couch.

I unfortunately will not be working any shifts and trying to get out of this gaping financial maw which is the end of the semester. I will, however, be eating my grandparent's food. I will pay the low low price of wearing a nice sweater to t-day dinner for this privlege.

But did I mention the drive yet? it's the part I dread the most, though it's not going to be as bad as all that. Every time we set out, I think, this will be the trip that I buck up and say that I'm ready to take over driving, so that he can choose either passive or aggressive once and for all. Maybe I'll just do the first leg of it this year, and get all Cesar Milan about it. Shht!

I tell ya one thing - I am pretty damn tired of everything that's coming up for me being something that's playing out in the kid's life now! I am feeling like a giant projection screen, just showing him how to become a steaming bowl of crazy of his own! had a relatively good follow up conference with his teacher today - but I leave there feeling a little slimy, like it's going to take a few hours of steady thinking and writing to get clear about what I think about what she said. too much work, people!

speaking of crazy, it's ridiculous to whine about being tired and looking tired, but staying up. I turned off the alarm this morning, and we slept in til 8:45am because he didn't go to sleep til 10pm and I didn't turn off Scrubs til 2:20am. so. good night.

What are you going to be when you grow up? Jesus said, God.

The kid and I have been having this lovely conversation about God the past few days. It started as a bit of a stand-off about diety gender, when he said He and I said She, and he said god's not a girl, and I said, God is both and neither. There's nothing you can think of, or see, or feel that's not god. The kid chewed on that and agreed and that's where we've been for days, pulling out the most random things we can and testing if we believe they're god - they always are. :-)

So, last night, he says, I can't go to sleep because what if the world ends tomorrow?

hmm. That's a show-stopper, dude. I take a deep breath. I begin, "Well, I can see how that would be really worrying to think about. but there's times, baby, when you can think of a thing (and even think it over and over) that doesn't make you happy or healthy or doesn't help you at all. there's times when you need to let go of the thought, put in a box or a balloon or whatever, and let it drift off. Thinking something over and over doesn't mean that you have to pay attention to it over and over; sometimes it means you have let go of it over and over."

He said, I can't put in a box or a balloon. I just can't. It's too scary to ignore. (and also, he wants to keep talking and keep not sleeping!)

hmmm. more deep breaths. (I'm mentally working through The Work at this point and wondering how to frame it up without a lecture.)

Kid, do you think that that thought is god?

Yes.

I do too baby.

silence.

sleep.

'night, baby.

early morning dream

The kid and I were getting ready for work. He and I were both going to an elementary school to teach that day - the kid was subbing in one class and I had another class across the hall. We taught in the morning, and then around lunch we went to the gym for a training session. People were set up in pairs all around the edges of the gym, one "teacher" and one student. At one point, my kid had a meltdown because he couldn't get his student to do the exercise. Another teacher was yelling at him (my kid) and I came over, sat down and pulled him into my lap and told her to leave him alone. He cried for a minute and then got up and went back to the exercise (something with magnetic letters on a board).
There was a very disturbing part where I was trying to figure out to buy some cigarettes, and I went online and found a convenience store that sold them, and ordered some, but when I went to pick them up, I realized that I had actually ordered some porn, and everyone stared at me for bringing my kid with me to buy porn. I tried to explain, but the fact that I was only buying cigarettes seemed just as bad and we left. The guy behind the counter kept leering at us and it was all quite creepy.

hmmph.

so. still awake. now, instead of blaming the quart of coffee I had today, I'm staying up to keep an ear out on the kid. (he is breathing much more regularly and quietly now. regular is good but quiet is not, since it makes it harder to know if it's regular, for fuck's sake.)

the mania i was whining about a week or so ago - thinking I was signing up for too many things, setting myself up to fail, stretching myself thin, the cliches are endless and all boring - well, it looks different to me now. Calling it mania seemed histrionic, even at the time.

there was a whiff of inauthenticity about it. even in my own head. i'm not really scared that i'm going to sign up for too many things and not be able to do them. that's possible. fine. that's even happened before. cool. i'm scared that I will say out loud in a crowd of some sort - I can do this thing! and screrch the music stops and everyone looks and waits for me to do the thing. well.

this is true of any role I have ever taken on or currently hold. mother, student, queer person, writer, smart person, sarcastic bitch, teenager, spiritual woman, aware to the immensity of the horror and the beauty of the world. i sense that there's a right way to do that, to be that, and the fear and the judgment starts immediately that i'm not doing it well.

and the moment that the music stops is the moment that i lose the connection with the present moment. you know, like literally, i'm bopping along to the music, really feeling it, and rip - gone. bereft. The Void.

So, I think that I was calling the lack of presence, the lack of attention, being in the costume but not in the moment, going along acting like my heart isn't broken open, trying to say that I can't do but so much, trying to call out of work in advance of even being scheduled the shift - calling that mania. because it feels all fast and scary, like i've done a thing that is too much, said a thing that can't be unsaid, actually articulated a desire or some shit like that.

and my last web-based expedition this evening led me to inga's site. and this excerpt from her book, which really synthesizes a lot of what i've been reading, thinking, hearing , singing and seeing lately:

An acquaintance and I were talking about this just the other day. He was telling me that he hunkers down into his daily life scheme of things because he cannot deal with all the horror in this world. I told him that I cannot live like that. He thought I was full of shit. “You can’t take in all that stuff,” he insisted. “It will drive you insane.”

But I disagreed. I hear this sentiment often, in a variety of forms.

Your average pissed-off citizen in the U.S. is willing to fight for three or four “causes,” maybe, but the line’s gotta be drawn somewhere.

When you’re present in the world you don’t just see one or the other. The horror and beauty go hand in hand. Even as this environment breaks your heart, the world fuels, protects, instructs, inspires, guides, and gently humors you.

So things balance out.

The whole excerpt is worth the read. seriously. This is deeper, bigger and wider to me than 'we're all desensitized to the horror and destruction around us and it's perfectly normal to feel hopeless' idea that i have held for many years. I have thought many times that the reason I was all of a sudden feeling so overwhelmed, tired, full of despair, was that I was taking on too much that wasn't mine. that i would go insane if I tried. that it was good self-care not to take stuff in. (and i do believe deep in my heart that is good self-care not to take in the medical emergencies on Discovery Health and the random tragedies that the folks at work want to wring their hands about for entertainment. that's self-serving melodrama.)

this is a way to re-think the idea that i can't work on all the causes I want to because i'm so busy paying the bills or going to class or raising the kid. that feels like a cop-out and it is. If I'm truly present in paying the bills, going to class and raising the kid, I may not be able to show up at a committee meeting for some non-profit. But being fully present (in the world, not the environment, is the HUGE distinction that inga is making here) IS working on the causes/issues that are important to me.
it's true that I'm interested in more things than I'm passionate about, and sometimes i latch onto the interest, and subsequent lack of follow-thru, as a nice-n-sneaky way to say i'm not good enough. Add it to the list of things I haven't done adequately or haven't done at all. oh, me. i can take in that star that was twinkling directly at me last night. the world, not the environment.

i swear, next week, i won't have a single deep thought. i'll watch wallace and grommit all weekend and expunge all of the cathartic self-examination* from my communication, web-based or verbal. no no. i can't mean that. i can't start talking about how this is all because of my impending period, or whathaveyou. it IS true for me that I'm full of this stuff lately, and it IS true that that's embarrassing to say out loud, and it IS true that I'm honored when others are willing to say shit like this. perhaps it should be a little more internal dialog and a little less internet rambling in the wee hours of the morning. shrug. if this was livejournal, i'd throw it behind the cut so noone had to scroll thru it. and this is all very rough draft, stream of consciousness. (what isn't at 2am?)

it's important to talk about love and imagination and what it feels like when your heart breaks open. look away if you're embarrassed by it; that's what I always did when my mom embarrassed me.



* from rob brezny's free will astrology

Leo Horoscope for week of February 22, 2007

You're strong medicine these days, Leo. You're 100-proof mojo. You might want to consider pinning a warning label to your shirt or jacket. It could say something like "Caution: Contents are hot, slippery, and under pressure. Use at your own risk." It's not that you're evil or neurotic. It's just that as you revisit and revision your deepest psychosexual questions, you have so much cathartic potency that you're likely to transform everything you touch into a more authentic version of itself. People with weak egos will be afraid of that, while those with strong constitutions will love it.

i hate nursing school.

I'm very happily in bed, staying up way too late to go to that silly walking tour of the wildlife preserve tomorrow at 8am and comforting myself by calling it silly and whining in advance about how early it starts.
I'm reading about scrotums and books and the controversy when the twain shall meet at bitch, ph.d. good stuff. reminds me that i need to actually get a hard copy of a wish list for reading started, instead of just thinking, Oo, I'd like to read that and then always feeling like I do at the video store, that there's tons of movies I've wanted to see, but not able to remember a single title.
And then the kid is all with the loud, irregular breathing. Honestly. Take last weekend's croup, a sleep study that found him to have moderate sleep apnea* last year and this week's content on Respiration in Health Assessment and I can barely fuck around on the computer anymore what with all the freaking out I'm doing mentally. Even if i muscle through and don't freak out right now, it'll just creep up on me randomly in the future when my defenses are down. Now I have to go google apnea again. Oh fuck! Was that Cheyne-Stokes!? this is not funny. it's not okay. I thought nursing student disease was when you were convinced that YOU have all the diseases you're studying, not your kid! me, fine. the kid - fuck this. i'm outta here.



* when the doc was concerned about his tonsil size and I was concerned about the number of times I hear him quit breathing before I fall asleep (nothing like your kid's desperate snort of apnea for an adrenaline rush!). His dad's sposed to be a CPAP machine himself. whee!